In my life, I've spent may conversation arguing with people about love, marriage and family. I got this perfect image of how i would treat my family. Love my wife and never looked any other girl, took care of my kids. And even after the mother of my child has gone, i wouldn't think about finding another woman.
But there was a big turn around in my life. A point where i gamble it all, my belief, my dream, and my hope. I think, This is it. The moment that I've been waiting for many years. All i got to do is be brave, be a man.
I've should have known, i never been good with gambling. I should have never gamble, especially not with life. Now i know why people always saying how life is unfair, that is because it cheats when you gamble with it.
So i lose, i lose big time.
Years has passed since that day. Many things happen, things that make me stronger and softer. But that things also makes me different. Now I'm totally scared, I can't be a father. I can't yell at my kids. I can't look them in the eyes and ground them, for mistakes they made. Knowing that i made the same mistake years a go. I can't even took care of my brothers :(
Now I'm so lost, lost from my way. I'm no good, I'm not family material. All i can do is bear my responsibilities given to me. And if i do that all my life and while not being happy. What kind of monster would i become ?
Kids can't live with a monster.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Generation
Next month, will be the fourth year my father has passed away.
This year, my little brother get married.
Last year, i finally decided to change job, and managed to actually did it.
The future? I don't know, it still seam bleak to me.
This last four year, I've been holding up my self together.
Not so bad, but not so well either.
Done many mistakes, lots of horrible thing, yet still being the good kid i was raised.
No matter how hard you try fighting it, the pain will always changed you.
Every one that gone through it will feel it, but wouldn't talk about it.
That death, will always leave an empty space.
Through this time, I've seen friends of my fathers passed away. Some become very weak, lost weight, and some even lost the sparkle in their eyes. That sparkle of life, that prove that you are part of the living thing in this world.
Its the world nature, to change the generation that run out of time with the next one. But seeing the process, watching the people, the polite conversation with the one that wait for their time, always makes you wonder. Is nature always this cruel? People easily drop in to despair. Empty gaze, broken memories, busy children, what could they hold on to ?
It hurt to watch the people that you respect in that kind of situation. I guess thats why the wisest creature that walk on land tend to leave his/her heard when the time has come. The world is kind this time, to guide the creature to the cave of ivory palace. A place that no man would ever found, to rest and leave the world with a smile. Leaving the young ones with memory of their strong back and flapping big ears as they walk down that path.
What can i do ? As i watch this all gone through. Its my time to become the current generation. And yet i always look back to the previous generation. Hoping that i would find a way, to erase their empty gaze and guide them on a way to a smile.
This year, my little brother get married.
Last year, i finally decided to change job, and managed to actually did it.
The future? I don't know, it still seam bleak to me.
This last four year, I've been holding up my self together.
Not so bad, but not so well either.
Done many mistakes, lots of horrible thing, yet still being the good kid i was raised.
No matter how hard you try fighting it, the pain will always changed you.
Every one that gone through it will feel it, but wouldn't talk about it.
That death, will always leave an empty space.
Through this time, I've seen friends of my fathers passed away. Some become very weak, lost weight, and some even lost the sparkle in their eyes. That sparkle of life, that prove that you are part of the living thing in this world.
Its the world nature, to change the generation that run out of time with the next one. But seeing the process, watching the people, the polite conversation with the one that wait for their time, always makes you wonder. Is nature always this cruel? People easily drop in to despair. Empty gaze, broken memories, busy children, what could they hold on to ?
It hurt to watch the people that you respect in that kind of situation. I guess thats why the wisest creature that walk on land tend to leave his/her heard when the time has come. The world is kind this time, to guide the creature to the cave of ivory palace. A place that no man would ever found, to rest and leave the world with a smile. Leaving the young ones with memory of their strong back and flapping big ears as they walk down that path.
What can i do ? As i watch this all gone through. Its my time to become the current generation. And yet i always look back to the previous generation. Hoping that i would find a way, to erase their empty gaze and guide them on a way to a smile.
Wish
I Made a wish today,
and pray to the one that know the current, the past and the future.
To open up my locked heart.
Now that part of my responsibilities is over,
withhold my ambition a little, start thinking,
and draw my gaze from the distance future.
And give the one that reach out to me a little chance.
I pray again, that a little bit of freedom that i would give away. Would give a lot of happiness to my family, the people around me, and specially to the side of me that waiting patiently for the last twenty eight year. And gather the strength to look the person in front of me, for who she really is.
and pray to the one that know the current, the past and the future.
To open up my locked heart.
Now that part of my responsibilities is over,
withhold my ambition a little, start thinking,
and draw my gaze from the distance future.
And give the one that reach out to me a little chance.
I pray again, that a little bit of freedom that i would give away. Would give a lot of happiness to my family, the people around me, and specially to the side of me that waiting patiently for the last twenty eight year. And gather the strength to look the person in front of me, for who she really is.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The speed of the clouds
Lagi bengong, ngeliat keluar jendela di lantai 11. Ngeliat awan gelap penuh berisi air melintas diatas gedung-gedung bertingkat dijakarta. Kebetulan langit sedang cerah, jadinya kontras. Deadly but yet beutiful.
Lalu terpikir, seberapa cepat sih mereka terbang melintas. Sehingga secara kasat mata bisa terlihat pergerakan mereka. Kita yang dibumi dihari-hari biasa melihat mereka tidak bergeming, bergelantungan di langit.
Ada apa dengan hari ini, kenapa mereka begitu tergesa-gesa menuju ketujuannya ?
*ok, not deadly, just troublesome:)*
Lalu terpikir, seberapa cepat sih mereka terbang melintas. Sehingga secara kasat mata bisa terlihat pergerakan mereka. Kita yang dibumi dihari-hari biasa melihat mereka tidak bergeming, bergelantungan di langit.
Ada apa dengan hari ini, kenapa mereka begitu tergesa-gesa menuju ketujuannya ?
*ok, not deadly, just troublesome:)*
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
10 km/jam
Dulu sutiyoso pernah bilang, tahun 2010 dengan pertumbuhan tingkat kendaraan seperti ini. Diperkirakan kecepatan maksimum kendaraan di jakarta hanya 10 km/jam. Dengan dasar hasil analisa inilah, mega proyek transjakarta yang menghebohkan itu dimulai.
Rupanya gubernur kita yang sekarang ini ternyata lebih hebat dari gubernur yang digantikannya. Gak perlu sampai menunggu 2010, gubernur kita ini dengan sukses lebih cepat 2 tahun untuk mencapai hal itu.
Cukup dengan hujan gerimis, genangan air timbul dimana-mana, ditambah proyek infrastruktur yang gak selesai-selesai yang memakan badan jalan. Dengan sukses memaksa kendaraan dijakarta untuk memenuhi target itu.
Dan seakan itu tidak cukup. Disaat hari tak hujan pun, jalan yang bergelombang seperti ombak dilautan. Kerikil-kerikil yang bercerai dengan aspal di jalan-jalan protokol. Dilengkapi dengan tokoh utama lubang-lubang besar yang menganga, menanti waktu hujan berikutnya. Dengan sukses membuat kendaraan melambat setiap kali melewati jalan-jalan itu.
Nice, Great, Amazing !
Secara gubernur ini terpilih karena janji-janjinya dia untuk membenahi pemda dki dalam 100 hari, dan gelarnya sebagai ahli yang paling mengerti tata kota dan banjir. Sampai saat ini, belum ada satupun janji-janjinya yang terpenuhi.
So..
Nice, Great, Amazing !
I laugh about it so hard in my head, that my IQ dropped 40 point.
Remember I'm watching, and holding on to your promises. Or Else !!!
*duh bisa apa sih gw, sok ngancem segala*
Rupanya gubernur kita yang sekarang ini ternyata lebih hebat dari gubernur yang digantikannya. Gak perlu sampai menunggu 2010, gubernur kita ini dengan sukses lebih cepat 2 tahun untuk mencapai hal itu.
Cukup dengan hujan gerimis, genangan air timbul dimana-mana, ditambah proyek infrastruktur yang gak selesai-selesai yang memakan badan jalan. Dengan sukses memaksa kendaraan dijakarta untuk memenuhi target itu.
Dan seakan itu tidak cukup. Disaat hari tak hujan pun, jalan yang bergelombang seperti ombak dilautan. Kerikil-kerikil yang bercerai dengan aspal di jalan-jalan protokol. Dilengkapi dengan tokoh utama lubang-lubang besar yang menganga, menanti waktu hujan berikutnya. Dengan sukses membuat kendaraan melambat setiap kali melewati jalan-jalan itu.
Nice, Great, Amazing !
Secara gubernur ini terpilih karena janji-janjinya dia untuk membenahi pemda dki dalam 100 hari, dan gelarnya sebagai ahli yang paling mengerti tata kota dan banjir. Sampai saat ini, belum ada satupun janji-janjinya yang terpenuhi.
So..
Nice, Great, Amazing !
I laugh about it so hard in my head, that my IQ dropped 40 point.
Remember I'm watching, and holding on to your promises. Or Else !!!
*duh bisa apa sih gw, sok ngancem segala*
WAS 6.1
I'm in a bit of a pinch right now. It's been two weeks i'm struggling with Was 6.1 Trying to set it up and deployed my company application with minimal guidance. Stressfull since i dont have the proper training and not actually my job desc.
Why do expensive things have to be painfull to learn and maintain ? Just trying to find the setting for initialHeap and maximum heap is like finding a needle in a hay stack. I need to set it because i kept getting out of memory error for my application. And If you're looking the samething as me, you can browse it from the administrative console :
Application servers > server1 > Process Definition > Java Virtual Machine
Its so hard to find, my intuition didn't get me there without much help. And adding fuel to the fire, when i set up the initial heap to 1024 and the max heap to 2048. The server goes down and can't be brought up again. Later i found out that there's a problem between my company application with WAS. The garbage collector collide with my application so the max heap can only be set to 1024.
The problem is, since i can't bring up the administrative console to revert my changes. I Have to do it manually, if you can imagine my previous haystack. Please image there's another haystack next to it, double the height and throw the needle i found in the haystack to that haystack.
No hope for relying on windows search tools, i miss find and grep in linux so much in this kind of situation. Luckyly something good come out from this nightmare. To shed some light to my situation a friend of me suggested fart (not that fart) to help me search the files. Fart is acronym for Find And Replace Tool. Pretty neat and help me find the file i wanted. Its in :
appServer\profiles\AppSrv01\config\cells\[your server node]\nodes\[your server node]\servers\server1\server.xml
I erase the initial heap and maximum heap, and the server can go up again. And what bring me joy the most out of the situation. Later i found out about unix util. Porting of most comandline utility in unix for windows OS. That marked the end of using sucky windows search.
Enough ranting, its time to go home.
G'night
Why do expensive things have to be painfull to learn and maintain ? Just trying to find the setting for initialHeap and maximum heap is like finding a needle in a hay stack. I need to set it because i kept getting out of memory error for my application. And If you're looking the samething as me, you can browse it from the administrative console :
Application servers > server1 > Process Definition > Java Virtual Machine
Its so hard to find, my intuition didn't get me there without much help. And adding fuel to the fire, when i set up the initial heap to 1024 and the max heap to 2048. The server goes down and can't be brought up again. Later i found out that there's a problem between my company application with WAS. The garbage collector collide with my application so the max heap can only be set to 1024.
The problem is, since i can't bring up the administrative console to revert my changes. I Have to do it manually, if you can imagine my previous haystack. Please image there's another haystack next to it, double the height and throw the needle i found in the haystack to that haystack.
No hope for relying on windows search tools, i miss find and grep in linux so much in this kind of situation. Luckyly something good come out from this nightmare. To shed some light to my situation a friend of me suggested fart (not that fart) to help me search the files. Fart is acronym for Find And Replace Tool. Pretty neat and help me find the file i wanted. Its in :
appServer\profiles\AppSrv01\config\cells\[your server node]\nodes\[your server node]\servers\server1\server.xml
I erase the initial heap and maximum heap, and the server can go up again. And what bring me joy the most out of the situation. Later i found out about unix util. Porting of most comandline utility in unix for windows OS. That marked the end of using sucky windows search.
Enough ranting, its time to go home.
G'night
Thursday, February 7, 2008
My Arsenal
Since i'm going mobile, i've been testing couple of things that would fit my need. And so far here's my arsenal.
EBuddy
I'm using yahoo, so far I've only tried ebuddy for my phone. The result is satisfying. Online for about one hour, it only send about 100 KB data. Translate to the value based mode, that means I only spent 100 rupiah :D. The amount data sent/receive will vary though, depend on how intense your chatting is. For this trial I'm chatting with 3 different people, so this result keep making me smile all day long :D
I tried leaving ebudy online for all night long. When i woke up in the morning, i found my phone dead because of low bat. Ouch, i forget about that. The j2me application + the 3g connection seems to cost a lot of power :(
When i check my balance, the total connection cost about 800 rupiah, with rough estimation of my previous usage before i got to sleep. I'm guessing leaving ebuddy online for an hour cost about 200 rupiah, which is pretty strange. I'm guessing it should be around 50 rupiah for leaving it online idle for an hour. Well I'm to lazy to try it again, so I'll leave it like that for now.
Pidgin/JMesengger
After a long time, chatting in your phone can be very tiresome. Since I'm gonna do a lot of chat with my friend, i think i need better alternative when I'm connected to my computer. For this I've installed pidgin, since i think it will block other YM plugins that i didn't need. And It also will block the adds from yahoo. But this scheme didn't work out well, it blocks the add and the plugins allright. But the initial connection is 600 KB since i'm using the value based, that cost about 600 rupiah just for logging in :( and it equals to 5 minutes of using the time based mode :(
Switching to the time based mode didn't work either, since rest of the bandwidth will be wasted and unused if i only need to chat with my friends.
My last alternative is to download the JMessenger code and try to strip functionality down to my needs. Well its gonna take a long time, but i think it will be worth it, and maybe other can take benefit from this also. Let's hope i have the skill to do it :P
Firefox offline mode
Actually other browser can do it to. But since i'm using firefox so i'll leave it like that :D
In writing this blog. I use my phone as a modem, set the connection to time based mode, dial it using pc suite. Login to blogger using firefox, create a new post, set firefox to "Work offline" mode, and then cut the connection from pc suite.
Take all the time i need to think and write. When i'm finished, disabled the work offline mode, connect the modem using pc suite, publish my post and disconnect it again.
To write this post and the previous one, it only cost me 500 rupiah, neat eh :D its pretty cheap for mobile connection. Each post equals to writing one sms, well if you're using simpati it will be more expensive to write a sms which only contain "Ok" and sent it to your friend with different provider :P
Mobile GMail
One of the coolest mobile apps out there. When you're bored and got nothing to do. You can read all of those unuseful milist that you keep subscribing and didn't bother to read :P
Opera Mini
Though other apps is great, but nothing beats browsing freely in the net. In time like that, opera mini gives you the greatest satisfaction. Since it will stripped down all of the unnecessary tag and send the compressed data to your phone. But beware though the comfortability depends on how big your phone screen is :D
Epilogue
Last but not least, i haven't try any dedicated download. But i read on the internet that with 10000 rupiah, you can download 1.2 Gigabytes data using the HSDPA connection. Wow that awesome :D
So far my personal experience is, browsing from my computer for 20 minute, cost 2200 rupiah and 17.5 MB data is transfered :D, with value based that will cost 17.500 rupiah. Indosat is the best for this kind of thing.
To put in simple term, use the value based when you're connected from your phone. And use the time based when you need to download something from the internet :D With that you are set to go mobile :D
EBuddy
I'm using yahoo, so far I've only tried ebuddy for my phone. The result is satisfying. Online for about one hour, it only send about 100 KB data. Translate to the value based mode, that means I only spent 100 rupiah :D. The amount data sent/receive will vary though, depend on how intense your chatting is. For this trial I'm chatting with 3 different people, so this result keep making me smile all day long :D
I tried leaving ebudy online for all night long. When i woke up in the morning, i found my phone dead because of low bat. Ouch, i forget about that. The j2me application + the 3g connection seems to cost a lot of power :(
When i check my balance, the total connection cost about 800 rupiah, with rough estimation of my previous usage before i got to sleep. I'm guessing leaving ebuddy online for an hour cost about 200 rupiah, which is pretty strange. I'm guessing it should be around 50 rupiah for leaving it online idle for an hour. Well I'm to lazy to try it again, so I'll leave it like that for now.
Pidgin/JMesengger
After a long time, chatting in your phone can be very tiresome. Since I'm gonna do a lot of chat with my friend, i think i need better alternative when I'm connected to my computer. For this I've installed pidgin, since i think it will block other YM plugins that i didn't need. And It also will block the adds from yahoo. But this scheme didn't work out well, it blocks the add and the plugins allright. But the initial connection is 600 KB since i'm using the value based, that cost about 600 rupiah just for logging in :( and it equals to 5 minutes of using the time based mode :(
Switching to the time based mode didn't work either, since rest of the bandwidth will be wasted and unused if i only need to chat with my friends.
My last alternative is to download the JMessenger code and try to strip functionality down to my needs. Well its gonna take a long time, but i think it will be worth it, and maybe other can take benefit from this also. Let's hope i have the skill to do it :P
Firefox offline mode
Actually other browser can do it to. But since i'm using firefox so i'll leave it like that :D
In writing this blog. I use my phone as a modem, set the connection to time based mode, dial it using pc suite. Login to blogger using firefox, create a new post, set firefox to "Work offline" mode, and then cut the connection from pc suite.
Take all the time i need to think and write. When i'm finished, disabled the work offline mode, connect the modem using pc suite, publish my post and disconnect it again.
To write this post and the previous one, it only cost me 500 rupiah, neat eh :D its pretty cheap for mobile connection. Each post equals to writing one sms, well if you're using simpati it will be more expensive to write a sms which only contain "Ok" and sent it to your friend with different provider :P
Mobile GMail
One of the coolest mobile apps out there. When you're bored and got nothing to do. You can read all of those unuseful milist that you keep subscribing and didn't bother to read :P
Opera Mini
Though other apps is great, but nothing beats browsing freely in the net. In time like that, opera mini gives you the greatest satisfaction. Since it will stripped down all of the unnecessary tag and send the compressed data to your phone. But beware though the comfortability depends on how big your phone screen is :D
Epilogue
Last but not least, i haven't try any dedicated download. But i read on the internet that with 10000 rupiah, you can download 1.2 Gigabytes data using the HSDPA connection. Wow that awesome :D
So far my personal experience is, browsing from my computer for 20 minute, cost 2200 rupiah and 17.5 MB data is transfered :D, with value based that will cost 17.500 rupiah. Indosat is the best for this kind of thing.
To put in simple term, use the value based when you're connected from your phone. And use the time based when you need to download something from the internet :D With that you are set to go mobile :D
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