A Child

In my life, I've spent may conversation arguing with people about love, marriage and family. I got this perfect image of how i would treat my family. Love my wife and never looked any other girl, took care of my kids. And even after the mother of my child has gone, i wouldn't think about finding another woman.

But there was a big turn around in my life. A point where i gamble it all, my belief, my dream, and my hope. I think, This is it. The moment that I've been waiting for many years. All i got to do is be brave, be a man.

I've should have known, i never been good with gambling. I should have never gamble, especially not with life. Now i know why people always saying how life is unfair, that is because it cheats when you gamble with it.

So i lose, i lose big time.

Years has passed since that day. Many things happen, things that make me stronger and softer. But that things also makes me different. Now I'm totally scared, I can't be a father. I can't yell at my kids. I can't look them in the eyes and ground them, for mistakes they made. Knowing that i made the same mistake years a go. I can't even took care of my brothers :(

Now I'm so lost, lost from my way. I'm no good, I'm not family material. All i can do is bear my responsibilities given to me. And if i do that all my life and while not being happy. What kind of monster would i become ?

Kids can't live with a monster.

Generation

Next month, will be the fourth year my father has passed away.
This year, my little brother get married.
Last year, i finally decided to change job, and managed to actually did it.
The future? I don't know, it still seam bleak to me.

This last four year, I've been holding up my self together.
Not so bad, but not so well either.
Done many mistakes, lots of horrible thing, yet still being the good kid i was raised.

No matter how hard you try fighting it, the pain will always changed you.
Every one that gone through it will feel it, but wouldn't talk about it.
That death, will always leave an empty space.

Through this time, I've seen friends of my fathers passed away. Some become very weak, lost weight, and some even lost the sparkle in their eyes. That sparkle of life, that prove that you are part of the living thing in this world.

Its the world nature, to change the generation that run out of time with the next one. But seeing the process, watching the people, the polite conversation with the one that wait for their time, always makes you wonder. Is nature always this cruel? People easily drop in to despair. Empty gaze, broken memories, busy children, what could they hold on to ?

It hurt to watch the people that you respect in that kind of situation. I guess thats why the wisest creature that walk on land tend to leave his/her heard when the time has come. The world is kind this time, to guide the creature to the cave of ivory palace. A place that no man would ever found, to rest and leave the world with a smile. Leaving the young ones with memory of their strong back and flapping big ears as they walk down that path.

What can i do ? As i watch this all gone through. Its my time to become the current generation. And yet i always look back to the previous generation. Hoping that i would find a way, to erase their empty gaze and guide them on a way to a smile.

Wish

I Made a wish today,
and pray to the one that know the current, the past and the future.

To open up my locked heart.

Now that part of my responsibilities is over,
withhold my ambition a little, start thinking,
and draw my gaze from the distance future.
And give the one that reach out to me a little chance.

I pray again, that a little bit of freedom that i would give away. Would give a lot of happiness to my family, the people around me, and specially to the side of me that waiting patiently for the last twenty eight year. And gather the strength to look the person in front of me, for who she really is.