The future journey

this was post around 5 months ago. From that time I've overcome many other panic attack. Live was like a roller coaster. Ups and downs and more in the down side of things. Well I've survived, but its not pretty. And along the way, although you've got accustomed with this things, but slowly but sure this things are taking a toll on me.

I'm not stupid to jump to a decision only based on emotion and short term reaction. Actually I'm a very calculated and often over thinking my decision, scenario A, B, C, D and the backup :P

So that is why after five month of coming to the same conclusion, i finally take it another step. I've informed my team that i was thinking of quitting between April and August. Its not final yet, but with the current condition, I'm hoping that I have the courage to make it into reality.

The truth is I'm scared shitles to the bone. I don't know how to make money after i quit. Yes i have plan A through D, but none of it involved a safe and secure way to make a living. Hell i don't even know if anyone would buy my services or product because my QA skill sucks. And I'm too introvert to have a good network.

But i want to live my life the way i want it. Not living someone else dream. Or following the dogma of others. I want to be happy with who I am, making my existence have an impact to this world. Not merely passing live day by day, and at some point seeing the old days and wondered, where all of my time has gone ?

For all the suffering I've been through, after all the walls that I've taken down. I think i deserves and finally bought one of two years of my live to became who i really am, the true me. Creating things i want to create, exploring things i want to explore, and making sure that i have all of the time i want. I would still be the part of my family, society and the world. But at least now I'm free to the things I want and whenever i wanted to.

So now I pray that 3-6 month from now, I still have the same Courage and Bravery to take my first step to the dangerous road, the open water, the wild world. Fueled with believe and faith and surround by calmness and open mind. And somehow i manage a small smile in the process of writing this. I'm getting excited of the limitless possibility. Maybe, it would be a wonderful journey after all... :)

~FD